The Toilet (da-da dum [scary music here])

About two months ago, my bathroom toilet got clogged.  I tried the plunger, reaching in there, the hot water method and draino.  Since none of that worked, it became clear that Aaron had thrown something in there.  Of course, it could have been Zuri, but since Aaron has always had a fascination with the toilet and putting things in it, I'll blame him.  Three weeks ago, I asked my FIL to come down and take the toilet apart to get what ever was in there out.  After five minutes in the bathroom, he comes down and tells me the valve is broken and we need the water shut off so change it.  I call the apartment complex and since our water is connected to the whole building, they have to shut it off and do the work, but won't fix the toilet because it's probably a toy meaning 'Not our issue'.  I went to Andrea's the next weekend, still with a broken toilet.  She's remodeled her house and knows how to install toilets, so when I told her of my issue, she volunteered to help me after we get the valve replaced.

The first thing we do Monday morning after returning Sunday is put in a work order for the toilet.  The hot maintenance guy comes and turns off the water, fixing the valve in a few minutes.  After he leaves, Andrea and I go to Home Depot and buy what we need to fix the toilet.  New wax rings and bolts because the ones on it are so rusted, they might break when we go to take them off.

Last night was the first chance we had to take down the toilet.  We set it up all nice and neat.  Towels to catch any water that leaks, a wet vac to suck the water out of the toilet, new bolts and new wax ring.  It looked like it'd be an easy task, maybe 30 minutes worth of work.  Of course, someone hates us and instead it took over 3 hours.

First, the bolts just spun.  There was only enough room for one to work in the bathroom, so Andrea was squished in the corner with wrenches, ratchets and screw drivers, trying to get the nuts off.  She was eventually victorious, and threw the hardware across the room in celebration.  Of course, some jackass decided that caulking the toilet to the floor was a good idea.  So we spent about 15 minutes cutting the toilet free of the floor.  Once it was free, we pulled it up and away from the hole.  We expected a bit of water/poo to come at our feet, but nothing came out.  At least we knew the clog was in the toilet and not in the pipes.  Unfortunately, the clog wasn't where we could see it and just pull it out.  Andrea got a coat hanger and pushed it up in the hole, trying to see if anything popped out.  Nothing.  She asked me if I had anything more flexible.  I brought her the dryer brush.  She snaked it into the toilet, but when she went to pull it out, it was caught.  A few jerks and it came free, sending a spray of poop in the air.  Andrea shrieked "Is that GRANOLA???"  which had me nearly peeing my pants.  Since the brush wasn't working we were a little discouraged.  For some reason, and I'm not sure why, we maneuvered the toilet into the shower stall.  And turned the water on.  Oh, and did I mention, the window is open and while we're doing this, asses in the air, people are walking by, looking in my window.

We left the toilet in the shower for about 30 minutes, water running in it.  We were going to take a photo of one of us on it like we were using it, shower water running with shampoo in our hair, but since no one wants to see either of us naked, we'll leave that up to your imagination.

While the shower is running on the toilet, we discuss our options.  It's decided that we'll just buy another toilet.  Fuck it.  This one is obviously screwed up, can't be fixed and not worth the effort.  The only issue, how to get it down stairs.  We both discuss the mental image of us carrying the poopy toilet downstairs, one of us slipping and both of us ending up at the bottom of the stairs, covered in toilet water, having to call 911 because we've both broken our lets.  Not a great way to meet doctors.  Another option was to throw it out the second story window, letting it smash on the sidewalk, splattering the surrounding buildings with poo water.  This was a serious option until we realized it wouldn't fit through the window.  So we had to figure out something else.

Finally, it was decided that we'd get a toilet auger and go in there and try to push it out from the bottom (I know most people would have thought of this first, but since I'm sure it's a toy, probably a ball, we knew it wouldn't work just to go in and try to pull it out.)  Andrea bought an auger and went to work on it.  Going in from the top didn't give us anything, so we flipped the toilet over in the shower stall and went in from the bottom.  One pull delivered us a plastic bag that had treats in it from Aaron's end of the year party at school.  We celebrated and figured that was all.  We righted the toilet in the shower, filled the tank with water and flushed it.  The water was still moving slowly, but we figured it was because there was no seal to create a vacuum.  So we (for some reason) flipped the toilet BACK over, putting it upside down in the shower again and started spraying it with bathroom cleaner.  

Now that we had a clean toilet, we went to move it out of the shower.  Andrea got in behind and I went to the front.  We cleared the lip of the shower stall and went to set it down on the floor, still upside down.  As we were lowering it, we heard a bouncing sound.  A little yellow ball fell out of the bowl of the toilet and bounced clear.  Besides a few scratches from the auger, it looked new.  At that moment, we felt justified in removing the whole toilet.  The constant spinning of the toilet freed the ball, something the auger wouldn't have been able to get out.

Andrea set the new wax ring and the new bolts.  We both grabbed the toilet, put it gently back on the hole and Andrea started bolting it back down.  On the second bolt, she heard a 'pop' but kept tightening.  She said, 'It's done!', went to move the ratchet and the whole bolt assembly came out with it.  The thing that holds the bolts to the floor was broken.  Of course.

So now, I have a functioning toilet.  We did a leak check, it's fine.  Instead of lifting the whole toilet and trying to fix the bolt, Andrea just pushed it back into place, making it kinda hold the toilet, but kinda not hold the toilet.  So if you ever come to visit, don't shake the upstairs toilet.  You can use it, just don't push on it.  Or rock back and forth on it.  I don't know how well that'll hold, I'm just hoping it'll make it until we move out.

Neither of us have laughed so hard in a long time.  Andrea said that was the most fun she's ever had changing out a toilet.  It's the most fun I've had in the bathroom.  Though, now, I have to buy a new dryer brush.  I'm SO not using that one again.